i'm desperate for it.
there is a part of me that has always enjoyed being unsettled, that as if some part of my teenage years has made me find comfort in residing on shaky ground. like there is some kind of security in uncertainty.
it is a fair assumption to presume that the majority of the human race find their comfort in stability and routine. there are only a small minority that can quite happily live in a nomadic state, fleeting from place to place, finding home amongst the spiritual, the non-material. i like to think that i am one of those minority, but in reality that is hardly the case. i haven't experienced it in the way i dream of. i have never jumped in a car, filled with my belongings, and just followed the road with no clear destination in mind. one day i hope that i can do so - what a freeing experience that will be.
tim and i have been discussing travel recently (to be fair, travel is a constant conversation topic between us) and the places we want to see next. it changes weekly. one minute, i want to drop everything and go to thailand, bali, vietnam, cambodia, and pop in and see samantha heather in australia on the way. the next minute, we are planning our adventures through europe; paris, london, vienna, the greek islands, and everything in between.
our hearts and minds are in a constant state of limbo.
we are constantly caught between our wanderlust and the harshness of reality.
with tim now working in the travel industry, the intensity of our wanderlust has amplified. every day, he gets home from work with another place to add to our list. realistically, it will be at least another year and a half until we can pack up our things and say good bye to new zealand once again.
is it wrong that this saddens me so much?
whilst my identity will always be found in new zealand, my heart is in a permanent state of longing to be elsewhere.
i want to breathe in the icelandic air, feel the sand of cancun between my toes, and swim through the waterfalls of hawai'i.
i understand that in time, these things will happen, but i feel like i'm ready now. i want it badly - so badly that i often forget to appreciate the goodness that i have around me here and now. the stability and whole-hearted love that my brother, my sister-in-law and my gorgeous baby niece provide me. timothy joseph lord gonzales, and his constant and unfailing love and care. the incredible friends that i am so blessed to have, and the safety and privilege i have to live in this peaceful country.
i am thankful.
it would be shameful, selfish and greedy if i weren't.
i am thankful for this state of limbo, and for what it provides me.
so very, very, thankful.